Health Alert: New Use of Old Drug Treat New Strain of 'The Clap'
This just in from the Liberty Conspiracy Committee for Health:
Information about the disease:
The Liberty Conspiracy Committee for Health is issuing a warning about an old, but suprisingly resistant strain of an ancient bacterial disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. The effect of this disease on the unsuspecting has been an abomination to societies for generations.
The disease is contracted through seemingly innocuous activities such as attending tea parties, and engaging in policy wonking. However, these activities open up a gateway to the high risk behavior known as participatory democracy. Particpating in democracy is always dangerous, but the dangers are compounded when those engaged in political action are simultaneously performing rectal cranial insertion. Many victims contracted Gonorrhea Lectim in 2008. However, the disease has circulated amongst the human population for millennia. But now that the world most needs healthy freethinking individuals most, many are intent of contracting the disease. In an effort to combat the most dangerous outbreak in the history of the human species, The Liberty Conspiracy Committee for Health issues this warning.
There are a few new drugs which have recently gained approval by government regulators which are being marketed to treat Gonorrhea Lectim.
The first new drug to pass through the regulatory hurdles is marketed by Sorros Pharmaceuticals. It became available in 2008 and is marketed as Baracko. The drug comes in black caplet form, which is coated with rhythmic speaking, and is easy on the digestive system. Side effects include, but are not limited to: market volatility, recession, inflation, and drone attacks.
The only other drug to pass the regulatory obstacle course is marketed by RNC Laboratories. The new drug is being marketed under the trade name Votimowt. It is only available in single unit dosing blister packs as a pasty white pill. However, when the blister pack is opened, you will find the pill becomes amorphous, or even shifting its shape. Votimowt has been known to take the shape of a bubbly brunette with glasses, or even the shape of a libertarian until pressed on the issues of race and war. The side effects of Votimowt are mostly the same as Baracko, but also include a seemingly unquenchable thirst for Tea Party Kool-Aide and desire to raise yellow flags with snakes on them.
The problem with both Baracko and Votimowt is that no imperical evidence has been presented that either of the approved remedies are safe and effective cures for what is ailing the infected populace. After exhaustive research by those that comprise The Liberty Conspiracy Committee for Health we now relese the findings of our study.
Our study finds that Gonorrhea Lectim is easily treatable, and a cure is available for all that want it. To those of you familiar with our work, this comes as no surprise. The pesky bacterium which we have raised the alarm about can be cured with an amazing remedy known as Abstain. Abstain is not patented, and incurs no high co-payments, nor an increase in premium payments to your prescription drug plan. Abstain will not be paid for by your Medicare Part D processor either, as it is not (nor do we reckon it ever will be) FDA approved. The reason for this is that Abstain has been in the public domain longer than Gonorrhea Lectim has existed. You see, being elemental, Abstain is considered a mineral, and therefore is not covered by most insurance providers (The exceptions being issurers in the Revolutionary Agorist Cadre).
Furthermore, we have found that Gonorrhea Lectim is only a symptom of a larger, more dangerous disease. This disease is a cancer, commonly known by it's latin name Habenae Perussi Populus (government consumes people). The Liberty Conspiracy Committee for Health has found that when Abstain is used it is remarkably effective at combatting Habenae Perussi Populus and all it's symptoms. Even more amazingly, when Abstain is taken in conjunction with Votimowt, all harmful side effects are eliminated. All that is left is more time and energy left for you to persue your own interests. A unique side effect of Abstainis that it reveals to others the existence of the Appartheid regime which participatory democracy perpetuates.
Abstain is good for other maladies as well. We recommend using Abstainwith taxes, frivilous spending, going to the DMV, and paying traffic tickets. It is not recommended to use abstain concurrently with speaking your mind, laughing, lovemaking, housework, yardwork, or any other activity which you find useful, necessary, or pleasurable.
It is important to spread the word about Abstain. If Gonorrhea Lectim continues to spread, Habenae Perussi Populus will continue to decimate the populatation. Eventually these terrible plagues could wipe out all life as we know it.